Today marks year 9 since my father passed from this world into eternity. Each year since that day has been met with various challenges, some related to the day he passed. One of those challenges is the grief we still bear even as the years has passed. However, that grief likely looks and feels different from the very first year and the subsequent years closer to the first year.
We hear often that time heals all wounds. I believe there is some truth to this, but I also believe that it does not fully encompass what most people deal with when it comes to loss of a loved one and the grief that follows. The grief stays with you, but it's impact lessens over time and it also takes shape in different ways. Here is what I mean:
The best human understanding I have ever seen pertaining to grief is a picture of our lives like a box, where the grief, closer to the event, is like a large ball bouncing around. Inside that box is a pain button that gets hit and activated by the ball as it bounces around.
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| Picture from hospicecare.co.uk |
Over time that ball gets smaller, but it never truly goes away. The time that heals is just the passing time when this ball decreases and our "pain button" is hit less and less. The time it takes for the ball to decrease is dependent upon the person of course and the circumstances of their life. No one person's experience is entirely similar to another. This doesn't mean that we all don't share in common pain button triggers- like holidays, special occasions, memories etc. The moment it gets hit we may cry, feel depressed, relive some of the pain, etc. But there are a couple of observations I have made 9 years later that perhaps isn't as talked about as much.
Observation 1
So, our healing comes with time as the grief slowly lessens in size, but there is another observation I have made. There is guilt that can come with the lessening of grief. This guilt is sneaky as it creeps its way in. I remember the first Christmas I actually didn't think of dad as much as I used to. Life was moving forward and in the moment it was a wonderful time with family. Out of nowhere, it seemed, guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I forget my dad and enjoy this moment without him? This guilt is also what keeps us from properly healing. If we cling to it or rather let it cling to us; we can find we never enjoy life that remains. Life will never be the same with the loss of a significant person in our lives, but looming guilt often sucks the life out of us. For those first few years it happened. When my sons had an accomplishment that suddenly I was not enjoying because I realized my father would not be able to enjoy was a big one for me.
The guilt is not necessarily wrong, but it is something that must be dealt with properly. So, I framed it as many do. Would he want me in this state? Of course not. He would want me to enjoy life to the fullest and the gifts that God has granted to me in joy. Guilt robs us of joy. Guilt robs us of perspective too. Because the guilt momentarily would alter the truth of God I would cling to. We do not grieve like those who have no hope. Despite what life was happening after dad was gone, the guilt would leave me feeling hopeless in many ways. The guilt would try to keep me locked into a perpetual state of joylessness. At some point, I recognized this and resolved to no longer stay in the guilt of moving forward in life.
As a believer in Christ, I had to remember that my entire life is built on Him. There is a mission, a work, and a life to be lived in Him despite what may happen to me, around me, or in me. Paul wrote, "In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content-whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:12b-13) I do not write this glibly, but with an experience that has found what Paul wrote to be true. Should another major circumstance happen in my life, I will likely have to relearn this again as I walk through that moment. That is okay, but I must press forward in Him.
With that said, I would encourage you, reader, to be open and honest about the guilt you may feel with moving forward in life despite a loss and the grief you have. You are not alone in that. Paul also said in that same letter, "Still, you did well by partnering with me in my hardship." (Phil. 4:14) Don't walk alone in this, but allow others to walk with you too.
Observation 2
The other observation I have found in grief is that it takes a toll on you physically. We talk of the emotional, mental, and spiritual but not often the physical. Though the emotional, mental, and spiritual are tied to the physical. First, I gained a lot of weight. I ate for comfort and consolation. I was wrapped up in life and not processing what I was feeling correctly that I just didn't care about my physical state. Honestly, it wasn't even on my mind. Thankfully, I had a friend who saw it and began to work with me on it. That eventually translated into a healthier style of living.
The second way it affected me physically was my body almost remembering the anxiety points. For a few years, perhaps more, there were certain events during my dad's cancer fight and his subsequent passing that created anxiety points. In October of 2016 I went back home for several days to help build a shed for my family as they prepared to sell their house. It was so difficult to see my father who wanted to be out there, a man who was a carpenter for years, struggle to be down physically. In December of 2016, that Christmas was incredibly hard as dad's body was clearly failing him. I remember preparing for us to leave to go back home when dad had and emergency that put him in the hospital. We stayed an extra day or two, but it was then I knew it was dad's last Christmas and the time was coming soon. I remember weeping at my in-laws house.
The week that I got word from mom that they were stopping all life-saving measures and doing palliative care was filled with anxiety. All the way up to his passing and to the funeral I would preach. There was a lot that happened in that time frame that brought anxiety. To be honest, I probably needed some medicine to help with it, but I pushed through and just stayed in "Pastor Paul" mode for a while. Anyway, I can remember for years after that when the last week of January came around my blood pressure would rise a little more, I would feel so much more anxious and I couldn't understand why. I remember a few years after dad's passing that the week I spent there in October and Christmas all came with anxiety. It was like my body remembered the events and went into the mode it was in those moments in 2016 and 2017.
This is apparently called the "Anniversary Effect," where your nervous system triggers physical and emotional distress around the same time of traumatic events of the past. Why did this happen? Honestly, because I stayed in pastor mode for a while and never properly processed these things with anyone. At least not well. I should have probably sought some professional, biblical counseling. Again, as time has passed and as I have been strengthened by the Lord, these things happen less and less.
I share this as it has been on my mind of late, particularly because it is the anniversary of my dad's passing. I write this not in some professional manner, but to just open the door for others who might be experiencing the same things, even years past their significant event. I want you to hear me. You are not weird or wrong for these feelings. You are not weird or wrong if you haven't processed it all yet and still deal with some of it. I would say, don't stay there though. My hope is in Christ Jesus and it is only by His power, ability, and life that I am able to move forward as I did. I wished it would have happened sooner than it did, but the Lord needed to grow me, deepen my trust in Him through the process. I pray you would find that hope too. I pray you would reach out to someone to process your grief, even if it is "30 years old". There is hope, there is joy, there is life to be found. We don't have to stay in the remnants of our grief. We can learn to process it and live life abundantly.
