Surrender

 

There is a hymn we often sing in church that states, "All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him I freely give." I have quipped before that more often I should sing, "Some to Jesus, I surrender. Some to Him I begrudgingly give." I have been on a journey of sorts since mid-February, learning and meditating on the idea of surrender. It began with a prayer retreat and a little book gifted to me by Andrew Murray entitled "Absolute Surrender". Murray presents what full surrender to Jesus looks like in the life of a believer and how it blesses the believer. Surrender prioritizes the life of the believer. Complete surrender, not partial. Murray writes,

"We make our own plans and choose our own work, and then we ask the Lord Jesus to come in and take care that sin shall not conquer us too much, and that we shall not go too far wrong; we ask Him to come in and give us so much of His blessing. But our relationship to Jesus ought to be such that we are entirely at His disposal, and every day come to Him humbly and straightforwardly and say: Lord is there anything in me that is not according to Thy will, that has not been ordered by Thee, or that is not entirely given up to Thee?"

This along with so much more has been my journey to learn. Then came this morning at 4:30am. I awoke, alert with some anxiety of the heart and a worship song. It was a weird moment. The part of the song that kept playing in my mind: "My worth is not in what I own. Not in the strength of flesh and bone. But in the costly wounds of love...at the cross. My worth is not in skill or name. In win or lose, in pride and shame. But in the blood of Christ that flowed...at the cross. I rejoice in my Redeemer, greatest Treasure, Wellspring of my soul. And I will trust in Him, no other; my soul is satisfied in Him alone. The underlined lyric is the true result of surrender.

I got up, made coffee, spent some time in worship, and then read Joshua 5. A chapter about surrender.

Joshua 5:1-9- Surrender To His Holiness

This section details the Lord's command for the men of Israel to be circumcised once again. These men were those who grew up in the wilderness as nomads. There wasn't likely a time for this event to happen. In Genesis 15, the Lord presents that circumcision would be the symbol of the covenant between God and His people. It symbolized their set apartness in Him. Their call to holiness in the Lord. Once the act is done in Joshua 5, the Lord speaks this word:

The Lord said to Joshua, "Today I have rolled away the disgrace of Egypt from you." (v.9)

Egypt was where the people of God had been until Moses led them out by God's power. They wandered the wilderness for 40 years often grumbling for the days of Egypt once again. See, they were out of Egypt, but Egypt was not out of them. Egypt was symbolic of worldliness, sin, and unholiness. The people likely picked up some of these things from Egypt along with the comfort Egypt gave them, though enslaved. This was keeping them from proper, full surrender. Now, in this act, they surrendered to the holiness of God. Consecrated to be set apart for His glory and His work.

 Surrender to His holiness leads to life. You might ask how so? Imagine you have a garage that is full of junk and stuff. Some of it might be good, but a lot of it needs to be disposed of. Instead of properly caretaking you just let it build up and the space becomes useless for what it was intended. Surrendering to His holiness is like cleaning that space to remove the junk so that He can fill it with what is proper and that it can be used properly. None of us can glorify God and be used of Him in a fuller way without surrender to His holiness. To be consecrated, cleansed, sanctified, set apart. What good is a bath or shower if we only do so once a month? What good is our heart, soul, life, and ability to live for Jesus if we do not shower in the holiness of God, grace, salvation, and mercy of God. I do not speak of salvation at the initial moment when we believe and confess Jesus to be justified, made right. I speak of the pursuit of the new nature given to us in Christ that brings holiness. Surrender to holiness is to seek in submission to the Lord and take action in the Spirit to be of God. 

Andrew Murray says it this way, 

"The new will is a permanent gift, an attribute of the new nature. The power to do is not a permanent gift, but must be each moment received from the Holy Spirit. It is the man who is conscious of his own impotence as a believer who will learn that by the Holy Spirit he can live a holy life."

Thus, our sin that we battle, the worldliness that attempts to creep into our souls, the conformity the world seeks of us, the sinful desire that wages war against the new nature of Christ is first won in surrender to Christ and His Spirit. 

 Joshua 5:13-15- Surrender To the Person of Jesus

Then comes this strange moment with really no explanation why it takes place. Joshua sees a man with a sword drawn in front of him and asks if He is for Israel or their enemies. The Commander replies, "Neither, I have now come as the commander of the Lord's army." Joshua bows in reverence and is asked to remove his sandals as he now stands on holy ground. No different from Moses encounter with the Lord on the mountain. Why does this take place? I think for a couple of reasons.

First, the next chapter of Joshua details their battle plan to beat Jericho. It is not the usual battle plan and one that can only give credit to God Almighty. So, I believe this was a moment for the Lord to provide the plan to Joshua. But, I also think it was more than that.

The greater reason for this is that Joshua and the people needed to surrender to God. Joshua is their human leader, but he is subject to their ultimate leader- God. This Commander of God's army reveals that He is for the glory of God alone, not of any man. He has come to reveal who is truly in control. This teaches us that God is not to be used. He can't be. Just because Israel is called as God's people does not place them at the same level as God. I think we can often get to that place. The victory is only ours because the Victor has granted it to us.

Then Joshua shows reverence to this Commander. I believe this is an early appearance of Jesus before His full incarnation. We call it a Christophany. Angels do not accept worship and just as Moses in the presence of God was commanded to remove his sandals, so is Joshua. He now stands of holy ground. What does this reveal to us? Our holiness does not come to us of our own power, but through the Holy One. Therefore, we must surrender to Him. Joshua's act of worship, reverence, and obedience reveal surrender to One greater than Him. One who will give him battle plans that can only display the power and glory of God.

Our Surrender

This is how we display God's glory in love, grace, compassion, power, and greatness. By our surrender to Him and His holiness. Yes, Scripture intake, prayer, and worship all benefit, but they should lead us to surrender. Surrender of our heart, our mind, our thoughts our desires, our actions, our families, our jobs, our habits, our relationships, our entire being and lives. Joshua believed who he was before. True belief always brings surrender. Surrender means taking action to yield to our King. Why do we often not see the Lord work in us or among us, even if we are practicing religious things? Because we have not fully surrendered. "The disgrace of Egypt" has not been rolled away from us. And we have not removed the sandals before a holy God and bowed.

What is absolute surrender?

"It means that, as literally as Christ was given up entirely to God, I am given up entirely to Christ. Is that too strong? Some think so. Some think that never can be; that just as entirely and absolutely as Christ gave up His life to do nothing but seek the Father's pleasure, and depend on the Father absolutely and entirely, I am to do nothing but to seek the pleasure of Christ. But that is actually true. Christ Jesus came to breath His own Spirit into us, to make us find our very highest happiness in living entirely for God, just as He did." (Murray)

Do you wish more of your walk with the Lord? Surrender. Do you wish more of Christ to be in your life that manifests into who you are? Surrender. I have found this to be key in my life. It frees me from seeking to figure it all out on my own power and ability. When I do that it is entirely draining. Surrender brings rest. Surrender brings change. I am quicker to repent, to rest in forgiveness, to forgive, and to move in action with a greater focus upon the glory of Christ. Imperfectly, yes, but with more ability than I have ever done.

Why did this the Lord wake me at 4:30am to think through these thoughts? One, to remind me of what He has been leading me in and to protect from drift. Two, I think for you the reader, whoever you may be. I pray that there was something here the Lord will use to speak into your life just as He has mine for the last few months.

A Grief Observed...Several Years Later

 

Today marks year 9 since my father passed from this world into eternity. Each year since that day has been met with various challenges, some related to the day he passed. One of those challenges is the grief we still bear even as the years has passed. However, that grief likely looks and feels different from the very first year and the subsequent years closer to the first year.

We hear often that time heals all wounds. I believe there is some truth to this, but I also believe that it does not fully encompass what most people deal with when it comes to loss of a loved one and the grief that follows. The grief stays with you, but it's impact lessens over time and it also takes shape in different ways. Here is what I mean:

The best human understanding I have ever seen pertaining to grief is a picture of our lives like a box, where the grief, closer to the event, is like a large ball bouncing around. Inside that box is a pain button that gets hit and activated by the ball as it bounces around.

Picture from hospicecare.co.uk

Over time that ball gets smaller, but it never truly goes away. The time that heals is just the passing time when this ball decreases and our "pain button" is hit less and less. The time it takes for the ball to decrease is dependent upon the person of course and the circumstances of their life. No one person's experience is entirely similar to another. This doesn't mean that we all don't share in common pain button triggers- like holidays, special occasions, memories etc. The moment it gets hit we may cry, feel depressed, relive some of the pain, etc. But there are a couple of observations I have made 9 years later that perhaps isn't as talked about as much.

Observation 1

So, our healing comes with time as the grief slowly lessens in size, but there is another observation I have made. There is guilt that can come with the lessening of grief. This guilt is sneaky as it creeps its way in. I remember the first Christmas I actually didn't think of dad as much as I used to. Life was moving forward and in the moment it was a wonderful time with family. Out of nowhere, it seemed, guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I forget my dad and enjoy this moment without him? This guilt is also what keeps us from properly healing. If we cling to it or rather let it cling to us; we can find we never enjoy life that remains. Life will never be the same with the loss of a significant person in our lives, but looming guilt often sucks the life out of us. For those first few years it happened. When my sons had an accomplishment that suddenly I was not enjoying because I realized my father would not be able to enjoy was a big one for me. 

The guilt is not necessarily wrong, but it is something that must be dealt with properly. So, I framed it as many do. Would he want me in this state? Of course not. He would want me to enjoy life to the fullest and the gifts that God has granted to me in joy. Guilt robs us of joy. Guilt robs us of perspective too. Because the guilt momentarily would alter the truth of God I would cling to. We do not grieve like those who have no hope. Despite what life was happening after dad was gone, the guilt would leave me feeling hopeless in many ways. The guilt would try to keep me locked into a perpetual state of joylessness. At some point, I recognized this and resolved to no longer stay in the guilt of moving forward in life. 

As a believer in Christ, I had to remember that my entire life is built on Him. There is a mission, a work, and a life to be lived in Him despite what may happen to me, around me, or in me. Paul wrote, "In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content-whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:12b-13) I do not write this glibly, but with an experience that has found what Paul wrote to be true. Should another major circumstance happen in my life, I will likely have to relearn this again as I walk through that moment. That is okay, but I must press forward in Him. 

With that said, I would encourage you, reader, to be open and honest about the guilt you may feel with moving forward in life despite a loss and the grief you have. You are not alone in that. Paul also said in that same letter, "Still, you did well by partnering with me in my hardship." (Phil. 4:14) Don't walk alone in this, but allow others to walk with you too.

Observation 2

The other observation I have found in grief is that it takes a toll on you physically. We talk of the emotional, mental, and spiritual but not often the physical. Though the emotional, mental, and spiritual are tied to the physical. First, I gained a lot of weight. I ate for comfort and consolation. I was wrapped up in life and not processing what I was feeling correctly that I just didn't care about my physical state. Honestly, it wasn't even on my mind. Thankfully, I had a friend who saw it and began to work with me on it. That eventually translated into a healthier style of living.

The second way it affected me physically was my body almost remembering the anxiety points. For a few years, perhaps more, there were certain events during my dad's cancer fight and his subsequent passing that created anxiety points. In October of 2016 I went back home for several days to help build a shed for my family as they prepared to sell their house. It was so difficult to see my father who wanted to be out there, a man who was a carpenter for years, struggle to be down physically. In December of 2016, that Christmas was incredibly hard as dad's body was clearly failing him. I remember preparing for us to leave to go back home when dad had and emergency that put him in the hospital. We stayed an extra day or two, but it was then I knew it was dad's last Christmas and the time was coming soon. I remember weeping at my in-laws house.

The week that I got word from mom that they were stopping all life-saving measures and doing palliative care was filled with anxiety. All the way up to his passing and to the funeral I would preach. There was a lot that happened in that time frame that brought anxiety. To be honest, I probably needed some medicine to help with it, but I pushed through and just stayed in "Pastor Paul" mode for a while. Anyway, I can remember for years after that when the last week of January came around my blood pressure would rise a little more, I would feel so much more anxious and I couldn't understand why. I remember a few years after dad's passing that the week I spent there in October and Christmas all came with anxiety. It was like my body remembered the events and went into the mode it was in those moments in 2016 and 2017.

This is apparently called the "Anniversary Effect," where your nervous system triggers physical and emotional distress around the same time of traumatic events of the past. Why did this happen? Honestly, because I stayed in pastor mode for a while and never properly processed these things with anyone. At least not well. I should have probably sought some professional, biblical counseling. Again, as time has passed and as I have been strengthened by the Lord, these things happen less and less.

I share this as it has been on my mind of late, particularly because it is the anniversary of my dad's passing. I write this not in some professional manner, but to just open the door for others who might be experiencing the same things, even years past their significant event. I want you to hear me. You are not weird or wrong for these feelings. You are not weird or wrong if you haven't processed it all yet and still deal with some of it. I would say, don't stay there though. My hope is in Christ Jesus and it is only by His power, ability, and life that I am able to move forward as I did. I wished it would have happened sooner than it did, but the Lord needed to grow me, deepen my trust in Him through the process. I pray you would find that hope too. I pray you would reach out to someone to process your grief, even if it is "30 years old". There is hope, there is joy, there is life to be found. We don't have to stay in the remnants of our grief. We can learn to process it and live life abundantly.