The Intersection

"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called as an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God--which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the Holy Scriptures--" Romans 1:1-2

In 5th grade, I had my intersection moment. I grew up in church for the most part and heard the gospel. But one evening in my room I lay in bed and suddenly it was pressed upon my heart that I was devoid of God truly present in my life. I had sin that separated me from Him and I needed Jesus. I wept as the conviction of my sin was made clear and my need. I prayed and asked God to intersect my life, to take over and make me what He desired. I was not in church when this happened. I was not in the middle of some amazing worship service that led me to hear from the Person of Jesus. No, I was in the quiet of the night, just me and Him. It was an experience, one I cannot deny, one that has put me on a path of a changed life forever.

Paul is writing to a church and in these first couple verses he is establishing who he is and the "credentials" of his authority to write the church. However, I find something deeper present. Paul writes about an intersection. An intersection is a point at which two or more things intersect or cross or meet. The "Paul intersection" is more about two paths of life that were perpendicular to each other that became parallel. Paul says he is a servant of Christ, called as an apostle, and set apart for the gospel of God. James Edwards of the New International Biblical Commentary says, "Here are two planes of reality. There is Paul, a human being who belongs to the same world we do; and there is God, who is beyond our world and yet intersects it with the gospel of Jesus Christ." (26) God breaks into our world all the time, intersecting with us, bringing us His gospel, His grace! For Paul, this intersection experience was so strong that Edwards describes it as such, "The preeminence of that encounter forever changed his orientation, and at a deeper level his self-understanding." (28) Essentially, Paul belongs to Jesus, his allegiance is to Jesus alone. In reading this I have found two important elements critical to understanding our intersection with Jesus, our salvation moment if you will.

You Don't Possess the Gospel, It Possesses You

Edwards relates that the for Paul the above heading was indicative of his life. Here is why it is important for us to understand this. If we can possess the gospel of our own doing then it becomes of us. This means we bear the right to make the gospel what we want it to be. The gospel can become a social justice gospel alone that centers upon humanitarian aid. Social justice certainly is a part of the gospel, but it is not central and not something we get to direct as such. If we possess the gospel we can make it works based on our standards. If we possess it, then my standards I place on myself I get to place on you. The problem is I couldn't even keep my standards if I tried--even if I set the bar extremely low--so how could I expect others to keep them too? If the gospel is just a "get out of hell free" card or an adherence to "simple" church traditions that I want it to be, then I have made the gospel about works I can achieve. Or, I can make the gospel about a set of theological ideas that I grasp intellectually, but in my heart and in practice they mean little when I possess the gospel and I am not possessed by it. In fact, the gospel is more than any of these things I have listed. It is more than an idea I accept in my life. It is much deeper and more alive than that. Much like my intersection experience, I was not intellectually assenting to some theological ideas. I was intersecting with the alive, ever present God. Which leads to the second element.

"The gospel is really not a thing, but a person, Jesus Christ."

Edwards states the above heading from his commentary and this is key! If the gospel is a person, and a person a part of the Triune Godhead, then I can't possess it/Him. But...He can possess me!! This is what makes the gospel alive. Not a bunch of theological ideas (though necessary), but that the living, active God has and is intersecting in my life and yours. Perhaps this is why many churches in America have been found lifeless because they have made the gospel devoid of the one thing, the only Person who can give it and us life: Jesus. I am reminded of the church at Laodecia in the book of Revelation. They are devoid of anything that resembles what Jesus desired of them. They are called to repent, to turn back to Him. Not ideas, not a cool worship style, not the good old day hymns, not more service, not a church potluck, a new program, but Him. He says that He stands at their door and knocks waiting for them to open the door to let Him in. Only then, can true redemption, true transformation can take place.

Take some time to reflect on how you have understood the gospel. Has it been a mere idea that you just believed? Was it simply just some prayer you prayed without an understanding of the Person of Christ? If you believe, but have a flatness in your faith currently, could you need a reawakening to the Person of Jesus?

Walking Away From God

Zephaniah 3:1-2

Woe to the city that is rebellious^[a] and defiled,
the oppressive city!
² She has not obeyed;
she has not accepted discipline.
She has not trusted in the Lord;
she has not drawn near to her God.

Israel has yet again decided to rebel against God. God has warned, extended His corrective discipline and still they walk away from Him. Honestly, this kind of sounds like my kids at times. They know the "rules", rebel against it, are disciplined, and then decided to do it again. Sometimes the discipline actually works, even if my wife and I don't see it right away. In the case of Israel and in this passage of Zephaniah, they didn't accept the discipline and are walking away from God. Micah Fries in the Christ-Centered Exposition Commentary says there is a pattern of walking away from God present in verse 2. I agree and it was the focus of my quiet time this morning. So, here are the steps and individual or even an entire nation can take in walking away from God.

Disobey

Obedience to God is less about living morally good lives or checking off a list the things God wants of us. It is more about living life His way and reflecting the character and nature of God. If we are called out by Him to be His representatives through salvation offered in Jesus; then His name is at stake in us. Through obedience we represent the name and character of God that is found in His Word. This is the first step to take in walking away from God. Being obedient keeps us consistent with His way and His Word and close to Him. It allows for the relationship with God to flourish and our connection to be strong.

Reject Discipline

If the character and name of God are represented through us, then He has every right to discipline us. Discipline from God is corrective, to change our hearts and nature of our being, not just to change behavior. Ultimately, discipline is to lead us to Jesus to rest and trust in His grace and salvation. Discipline is in fact an act of love. Like a parent He lovingly corrects us to Himself. Why? God loves us enough to meet us where we are, but not to keep us there. He knows and can see who we can be in Him and strives to lead us that way. My oldest son at times can be the hardest of our children to discipline. I can come down hard on him at times, but I also see how he can be a great leader. I can see who he can be, if he would just listen and follow. Therefore, I strive in love to correct him and lead him. He has to be willing to follow that discipline and lead though. If we have begun a life of disobedience, rejection of His discipline that will follow disobediecne is easier. In fact, we have a choice to make. We can either accept the discipline and our lives be redirected back to obedience or we can reject and find ourselves taking the next steps.

Distrust God

The heart of disobedience is rejectin God's way; His character of holiness in our lives and living our own way. This does something to our hearts. We begin to trust in ourselves or perhaps in other things not worthy of our trust. In addition, when God disciplines, we can either push further in or away from Him. To take this step in walking away is to push away, to move our trust from Him. Typically we reject God and no longer trust because we no longer believe His discipline was fair or good. Usually we form in our mind that He Himself is no longer good and able to be trusted. In fact the opposite is true. It is for our good that He disciplines and shows that He loves us enough to discipline which should lead us to trust in Him more. Moreover, He is consistent with who He says He is. God isn't changing the rules for His chosen people here is Zephaniah because they are His chosen people. If He did, that would make him fickle and untrustworthy. Unfortunately, as we step further away from God we don't always see it that way.

Move Away From God

If all the other three steps are in place, this is the natural course to go. Truly, we should push into God more, especially when He disciplines, but we can find ourselves drawn away. The relationship at this point is damaged. Our hearts are cold and hard by this point and it is much harder to return back to Him. It is not impossible, but it does become difficult. We now carry more baggage and habits that just hinder a reconnection. The good news is God is powerful and willing to go to great lengths to help us return, to reconcile what is broken. We just have to want it.

Inverse the Process

Ironically, if we inverse the process of walking away and make it positive steps, we can find ourselves on a path of return.

1. Draw Near- When we draw near, He will draw near to us

2. Trust in Him- As we draw near, we see who God really is and begin to trust once again.

3. Accept His Discipline- When we see the character of God correctly and the relationship is restored, discpline can be accepted easier and our hearts our softer and moldable to His way.

4. Be Obedient- As we obey, we reflect the nature and character of God. We find ourselves is right relationship and it becomes a joy to follow.

Handling the Judgment of God

Struggling with God's Judgment

I have always struggled with reading through the prophets in the Bible and understanding the judgment of God. It seems so harsh and punitive. Rightly so, it is because the people have rebelled against Him. The harder aspect for me has been when He speaks of wiping out His own people. In relation to being a believer, it can seem that God is precarious and willing to take back that salvation He offers. As I have begun a study in the book of Zephaniah, I have learned a different perspective.

"I will stretch out my hand against Judah

and against all the residents of Jerusalem.

I will cut off every vestige of Baal

from this place,

the names of the pagan priests

along with the priests;

5 

those who bow in worship on the rooftops

to the stars in the sky;

those who bow and pledge loyalty to the Lord

but also pledge loyalty to Milcom..." Zeph. 1:4-5

The people of God have turned from Him and followed and replaced Him with false gods. Gods that led the people to pursue comfort, wealth, and political influence that led to compromise. So, God speaks of His coming judgment, not just on the general population, but on His own people. This is hard because we want to see God as loving and merciful God alone. That He is, but sometimes "our vision and affections need adjusting so that we can focus on Christ." (Fries, Christ-Centered Exposition Commentary, 6). So, why bring judgment on His people? Especially on believers today who are covered by the grace and salvation of Christ?

Judgment is not punitive

Judgment for the believer is not punitive as the debt has been paid through the sacrifice of Jesus. It is finished by the cross. Fries helped me understand this better through Romans 8:1-2, "Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus, because the Spirit's law of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." Fries explains, "In other words, while Christians may still sin, God's response to their sin has changed. Specifically, God will not punitively discipline His children." (Ibid,6) Judgment on believers is to correct. To change the nature and heart of the believer to reflect Him more. Again Fries helps, "God is going to judge the people that He loves, mainly because they have begun functioning as those who are not His own." (Ibid, 5) For those outside of Jesus's grace and salvation, judgment is punitive as a choice is made to reject that which was provided. So, for the believer judgment is seen in their life is designed to correct for a change of heart and nature rather than a punishment for the sake of damages done by disobedience.

Judgment is for the integrity of God

One of the 10 commandments is to not take the Lord's name in vain (Ex. 20:7). Jesus also spoke in His famous sermon that when we take an oath our yes should be yes and no should be no (Matthew 5:37). To claim Jesus by name and yet reject His character in our lives is to "defame the name of God (Ibid, 8). Fries explains, "WHen we misrepresent the name and character of God, we are not only guilty of engaging in a form of character assassination, we are guilty of preaching a false gospel (Ibid, 8). As the God of all things, the Scripture is clear that God deserves all glory and honor. If He is going to put His "name on the line" as we become His representatives (2 Cor. 5:11-21), then He bears the right to correct us for the sake of His integrity. 

Our Response

The cost of following God is actually high, but the question is whether its worth it. Even more, when God brings judgment on us as a corrective measure we are left with a decision. Do we accept it and pursue change or reject it? Both carry a cost, but which one is greater to us?

How Did I Get Here?

Have you ever had that moment driving where you got to your destination and don't fully remember how you got there? Most of the time that happens because we travel a route so much, it just becomes a part of life. We may be focused or thinking about other things and our destination or the route we are on is not even a part of our thoughts. I have done this a few times and it is scary.

What if we can do this spiritually?

I was reading through the book of Jeremiah and came across a very interesting set of verses:

 "Yet my people have forgotten me. They burn incense to worthless idols that make them stumble in their ways on the ancient roads, and make them walk on new paths, not the highway. They have made their land a horror, a perpetual object of scorn; all who pass by it will be appalled and shake their heads. I will scatter them before the enemy like the east wind. I will show them my back and not my face on the day of their calamity" (Jer. 18:15-17)

God is essentially saying to His people through Jeremiah that spiritually, Israel has found themselves in a progression of spiritual apathy that finalized into turning away from God. Today we read and hear about so many young people "walking away" from the Christian faith or the Church. I admit that much of the reasoning is nuanced and not as black and white as some might want to paint the picture to be. However, I think the progression here in Jeremiah can be a factor to what we see today. Some of the factors are the personal responsibility of individuals and some the passing down of a lackluster faith. So, here are some steps I see that we can fall into that leads to spiritual apathy or walking away.

"Forgotten God..."

The beginning of verse 15 God says the people have forgotten Him. How does one forget God? Especially, one as personal as the God of Israel is and interacts with them? I think a good explanation could be the people are no longer being informed by the Person and Word of God. People can forget God as we allow our lives to become distracted with so much. I am more convinced that people in and out of churches are constantly consuming copious amounts of information without much reflection or processing. Even more, that information we consume is less about God and His way and slowly we become less concerned about God and His Word. Thus, our hearts and minds are more informed by whatever social media tells us, what Fox News or CNN informs us to believe, or whatever the next big entertainer "preaches" as the "flavor of the month" truth.

I remember much of life before cell phones, social media, technology like we see today, and we still found ourselves filling our lives with other things than God. However, it feels like there was more time for me to think and reflect on life. Perhaps my experiences were just different. I used to paint apartments for a seminary as a teen and young adult for several years. It was a great job because I would spend many hours alone. I would have music going, but I remember having time to think about life. In fact, it was in those years that I eventually discovered a call to ministry by God.

What consumes your time the most? Does it replace time thinking, interacting with the Person and Word of God? If so, you might be on the first step to spiritual apathy or walking away.

"Burn incense to worthless idols..."

Once our lives are less informed by the Person and Word of God and perhaps more informed by other things, action follows what informs us. The people of God became informed by the religions around them, the false gods that were worshiped. The result was taking action to worship those gods. So, what primarily informs our hearts and minds leads to dominating actions. Essentially, it is worship of something even if indirectly. I remember when I was younger how I filled my life with so much entertainment. Movies, music, gaming, etc became a staple in my life. They were not bad in of themselves, but I had a moment of clarity when my friends and I spent 12 hours one Saturday playing video games. I asked the group, "What are we doing?"! We made our time about us, our desires, and about what we were informed that teenage guys are supposed to do.

What consumes our time past an ordinary amount? Work, busyness, sports, gaming, keeping up appearances, people, etc.? All of these can replace our worship of God and become our worship. Here's the thing. Our faith is only as strong as the object of our worship. So, if your faith is struggling, if the worship of God is boring compared to other things in this world; is it possible that the object of your faith is something other than God? Once we replace God, we are on the next step of apathetic spirituality or walking away from faith.

"Stumble...move from ancient paths..."

Most who claim faith in God typically do not desire to move away from Him, but it happens ever so subtly. Truly, when we forget about God, we replace Him with idols, our final step is a life that no longer looks like what Christ desires His people to be. The Israelites have strayed from the ways God provided for them. His way of life, the path of righteousness, of living that was ultimately best for them. Yet, somehow that path appeared irrelevant to them now, maybe even archaic. The new way of life they took on must have been appealing, but was it the best? We will stumble on our path of life all the time. However, if we are not informed by the Person and Word of God and we fill our lives with other "informants" of idolatry, it becomes all the harder to get back to our original path found in God.

The Final Result

When the people of God get caught in this progression of sin and spiritual apathy it creates problems for all people. God reveals how the Israelites have made their land a horror and they are an object of scorn by others. A people who once followed a God so closely and claimed His power are now walking away from Him. How foolish and hypocritical that must look to the outsiders. In addition, if the ways of God are not being lived out and passed down to the next generations, the land will end up in disarray. So, please reflect and consider: If I claim a radical, life-changing salvation found in Jesus Christ and yet don't show/live that radical life change, what am I speaking to others, especially those who don't know Him? How have I subtly moved from a life for God to something that is filled with more than Him? How will that impact my family, my community, my church, possibly my nation? There is so much at stake living mediocre, apathetic life for God. See that what we are called to by God is something greater than us and something that makes a great impact in this world!

Dressed For Death

"And you, devastated one, what are you doing

that you dress yourself in scarlet,

that you adorn yourself with gold jewelry,

that you enhance your eyes with makeup?

You beautify yourself for nothing.

Your lovers reject you;

they intend to take your life" Jeremiah 4:30

To fully understand the context of this verse and the title of this blog, the context from chapters 1-5 of Jeremiah are needed. Basically, the nation of Israel began walking away from the ways of God. He chose them to represent Him and to follow Him and they start following the gods of other nations. The prophet Jeremiah is called to speak to this nation and persuade them that if they do not turn back, destruction will follow. A destruction that comes from God, but also destruction from their own doing. This is where Jeremiah 4:30 comes into play.

Have you ever had to dress up for something in order to impress someone? Perhaps prom comes to mind, a date, maybe a wedding, or a meeting for work. What was the intended purpose to dress that way? Was it to work something to your advantage? Was it to catch the eye of that special someone? We dress to impress in order to "cover" those elements about us that are ordinary, that could be less impressive or are just plain ugly. Israel is called to repent, to turn from their ugly, sinful ways and back to God and His ways. If they don't a local nation will come in and take over their nation. They will be a people without a home. Instead of heeding God's warning, they "dress to impress" those they have been in a relationship with instead of God. In reality, they are only dressing for death, both physically and spiritually.

How often do we "dress to impress" spiritually either to others or before God?

Spiritually we can draw on a couple of points:

We cannot bring about our own salvation or life change.

Israel is refusing God's way of salvation that starts with repentance from their ways. Instead, they are hoping to impress those around them, woo them to keep from taking over their nation. Note that in the verse above that God calls them "devasted one" and that the other nations plan to take their lives. He knows what is going to happen. He is extending grace by His means and they reject it. We see this all the time with people who refuse the gospel, but what about those who believe? Remember, these people know God, they acknowledge Him...at least by word they do. When we refuse to accept God's way of salvation (both the initial moment and the continued process of removing the old way of life) and we try our own way we are only "dressing for death". Sin and the Enemy desires nothing more than to destroy to "death" our personal walk, our marriages, our parenting, our jobs, our kingdom impact, our church community, etc. Instead of adorning ourselves to look good, to put on a show, we must get real and raw with God and deal with the sin present in our lives. Only in Christ can it be redeemed and taken care of.

Repentance is more than just a one-time event

Often we treat repentance with the initial moment that one accepts Jesus as their Savior and Lord. Through Israel's example, we can see that repentance happens more than that. Repentance is about a posture spiritually just as much as it is a moment in time. God is big enough and able to handle our mishaps and mess ups, that's why Jesus died on the cross. But, when we refuse to accept the humble posture of dying to self daily, of recognizing that we are still a work in progress we can end up dressing to impress. We can try to impress others or even God by making our spiritual life look so "good" that we are just fine. We begin to try to cover up those undesirable things, those ugly things spiritually that actually hurt us. We become devastated by it and that sin intends to take our life. This means we need to make confession and repentance a daily action and conversation with God. We need to let God wreak havoc over our hearts in order to allow life to be brought in. 

Therefore, I am convinced that the altar that preachers call people to in order to do their spiritual business with God is just as much for believers as it is those who need to "get right with Jesus". Just because we make a confession of belief initially does not mean we are done with repentance. It just means we are covered by the work and death of Jesus. He stands before the Father and says we are no longer condemned. But our fickle hearts need constant redirection back to God's way found in His Word and a reminder of what Jesus has done on our behalf. So, make your life one of continued confession and repentance. I bet you will find a refreshing in your spirit.

Be Salty pt. 2

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt should lose its taste, how can it be made salty? It’s no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet." Matthew 5:13

Continuing my look at Matthew 5:13 (and James Boice's The Sermon on the Mount commentary) and the ways we can "be salty" is to provide flavor. Last post I discussed how salt was a preservative used in ancient times. Salt was used, like today, as a flavoring agent too. So, how do believer's bring "flavor" into their lives, the life of their community, their church, and to other people?

Imagine for a minute the blandness a food can have. I think of eggs. I love scrambled eggs, but I love them with a little zest. I have trouble eating eggs without something to give them less of that egg flavor. I will definitely use salt to help provide that flavor I need. The same is for Christians. We provide a flavor to the world that the world needs.

"Flavor" of the Christian life begins with Jesus. I could list numerous characteristics of a believer- joy, peace, mercy, love, grace, contentment, hope, excitement, etc. but they are not characteristics a believer can muster up on their own. The "flavor" of being the salt of the earth is the very presence of Jesus by the Holy Spirit exuding from us. So natural questions that should follow are:
1) How do I bring "flavor" to my workplace?
2) How do I bring "flavor" to my family?
3) How do I bring "flavor" to my community?
4) How do I bring "flavor" to people searching?

I think another aspect of "flavor" in being the salt of the earth is our creativity. I love music and I love all the different kinds available. I may not appreciate some styles as I do others, but I love that it is out there. In particular, I love groups that do different styles of music to worship. Even more, I believe that music is language that speaks to people differently. So, in our worship, a particular style may speak to one person or generation differently than another. That doesn't make it bad or not as good as one or the other, it just speaks a different language. I think that God finds that just fine. 

Being creative goes beyond just the arts too. How do we find our creativity in reaching people in a business? We have missionaries who are creating coffee shops to create spaces for conversations to happen. Conversations that hopefully will lead to Christ and His salvation. Via social media, technology, in education, social justice, service, etc all provide places for the "flavor" of being salt of the earth to believers. How are we finding ways to "be salty" within those avenues?   

Be Salty

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt should lose its taste, how can it be made salty? It’s no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet." -Matthew 5:13

Around the office I work we sometimes use the phrase, "You're being salty today." to describe someone being a little sarcastic, cynical, snide, etc. Obviously, it has a negative connotation, but in my reading today I see the positive of being "salty". Jesus was speaking to his disciples and to a crowd about what it means to truly follow God. He finished speaking about characteristics of a believer of being broken, humble, peacemakers, pure, mournful of sin, and thirst/hunger for righteousness. Now He brings all that to a practical point for His listeners: be salt in a saltless world.

Salt has multiple uses in the ancient world and I believe that Jesus was trying to bring to mind those uses as they relate to the believer's life. Before I get to one of those uses, something that is implicit in this verse is the fact that Jesus assumes the believer is out in the world. He is basically saying that we will practice the things from verses 3-12 of chapter 5 in the world. That is what makes us salt. However, many of us like to stay in the "salt shaker" and never actually get to our intended use...myself included.

Preservative

The most primary use of salt in the ancient world is to be a preservative; preventing decay and rottenness in food. Jesus illustrates two things for his hearers in this analogy. 1) The world is spiritually dead, decaying, rotten. Apart from God, there is nothing preserving it spiritually. 2) The disciples can actually be a part of the process of preserving the world as God acts and works in and through them. James Boice in his commentary on the Sermon on the Mount presents these principles in opposition to other ways of thinking that can creep into the Christian's mindset. The first is that the world is inherently good and with good Christian action it will get better. Instead, the world needs the supernatural power of Christ's work in the world. All of our social action is good and has a purpose, but it is powerless apart from the power of Jesus. The second is that Christians should pull away from the world for fear of being "dispensed, dissolved, getting dirty, or disappearing." 

After some reflection on the verse and Boice's thoughts, I see a very real issue for me and many other Christians. We love the idea of being salt, but we love the idea of being salt in our decorative "salt shakers". We have seen those salt shakers that people collect. They might use them occasionally as the situation calls for it, but mostly they are just nice to look at. However, God has placed believers wherever they are to be an active agent of change, of preservation to a spiritually decaying world. The fact is that sometimes the salt must dissolve, it must get in the "dirty" parts and even disappear in order for the flavor and preservation process to take effect. So, maybe God shakes the salt shaker to get the salt out in the world, maybe we have to dissolve our own interests or desires to be effective. It is time for us to get out of our "salt shaker" whether that be our homes, our churches, our cubicles, our classroom desk, or our phones. The time has come for our active change to be at the forefront of who we are. Afterall, Jesus ask what good is saltless salt? It's not. It's useless and only needs to be thrown out.

Boice ended his thoughts with something that greatly struck me. If the human body does not release salt in the natural process of perspiration the result is retention of water and it becomes bloated. The church is described as the body of Christ by Paul. So the natural connection Boice makes is clear, "In the same way, the Church will become bloated and desperately unhealthy if the salt is not dispersed in this work of preservation." May God shake us up to once again be the salt He called us to be.

The Moment Everything Changed

This is the week when my life completely flipped upside down. Really, it happened about 6 months prior at dad's diagnosis of cancer, but what seemed like a distant reality came rushing in like a tidal wave. This blog post will contain many thoughts and emotions felt during the final week or so of my father being here. There were thoughts and emotions from his diagnosis up until the last week, but not like I experienced in those last days. A year has passed and I am just now feeling a little more like myself, but I am really just living in a new reality. This post is truly more for me to work through what this new reality is like and how I have seen God work and work me through it. There is a chance I will get raw and quite emotional, so if you read this be prepared.

The Call
On January 23, 2017 I received a call in the morning that completely shattered me. My mother called to say they were moving dad to hospice care and he was a do not resuscitate. I did my best to be strong for mom over the phone. I could hear it in her voice, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow building behind every word she told me. Maybe it was actually me though. Maybe I was actually hearing my own emotions through her voice. Regardless, I wanted to get off the phone as soon as I could. I could feel the breakdown coming and I didn't want her to hear it. Once I hit that red button on my I-phone I dropped next to my bed and wailed...wept. My wife and kids were all gone to their places that morning and I was alone. Except I wasn't. I cried to God. I cried for Him to see me and my family through the pain. I can't explain it, but there was peace even in the middle of pain and suffering. I even remember reflecting in that moment on Jesus weeping over Lazarus' death. Did Jesus feel the same as me? Did He feel the sting of death like I was? Even though dad wasn't gone yet, I knew it would take a miracle. I asked for that miracle, but also asked for peace to also accept what was the likely outcome. After this moment I went to the office and became overcome with emotion. My pastor grabbed me and just hugged me. He then worked hard to get me on a plane that very day to embark home. It felt like a long and distant flight...

The Visit
The rest of the next few days had many ups and downs for me. The ups were the re-connection I was able to have with family and friends, some I hadn't seen in years, and others who were more recent. At times through the days that followed my arrival to KC, dad would be awake and talk with us and other moments he would not. Most of the time, however, he was asleep due to a regimented pain medication schedule. While I had great moments with my family and friends I wanted nothing more than to see my dad like himself. I wanted to go fishing one last time, shoot hoops, watch a movie, or jam out to some Led Zeppelin. None of that happened and I think deep down some anger and bitterness arose. I tried to push it down and wait to deal with it, but it was here things started that would affect me for the rest of the year. I had moments of anger at God for taking me away from my family for years as I pursued His calling on my life to be a minister. I became bitter even toward my church (not their fault by any means) because "they took me away". Thoughts of all the time missed consumed me. The irony is that in those kind of moments that's when I would need dad the most. Thankfully, I had mom and my sister and many others to rely on at times. However, God in his infinite wisdom and grace gave me one person to look to even if he didn't know it. My uncle David, dad's youngest brother, stayed with us through it all. He was the most able to do so and would likely say he even felt compelled to. I truly believe that was the grace of God at work for all of us. His presence was readily needed and so very appreciated. I learned in those days that despite our reactions to facing the death of the loved one, people are very much needed for us. We can have a tendency to push them away and retreat into ourselves (something I did later in the year), but just the presence of someone can make what seems unbearable actually bearable. In these moments we must lean even more into the God of all comfort and lean into the people whom He has placed in our lives... 

The Legacy

The picture above is one of the most influential moments during the last few days. The young men above were dad's last small group of teens he would minister to directly. He spent a large amount of his time serving Jesus as a pastor, youth pastor, bus driver, and volunteer. For dad, his legacy was passing Jesus on to the next generations. These young men wanted to see dad one last time even though he was not responding or talking to anyone. We didn't know what he could hear, but I encouraged these guys to share stories, pray, and tell dad what they needed to. They poured themselves out and it was incredible! I then shared with them that the apostle Paul regularly called people he discipled his spiritual children. I then told the guys they were in many ways dad's spiritual children too and they now carried his legacy with them. I couldn't believe what was happen with me. Even in one of my darkest times I still was ministering and teaching. Honestly that comes from the man who taught me his legacy. We never stop sharing about a faith, a gospel that says we can be made right with God. We never stop seeing God moments to share with others things like this to help them grow. We may rest for moments, but at our core we are followers/servants of Jesus...

The Day
There isn't much to prepare you for a day like I experienced January 26, 2017. I had been around death, seeing people who were near their time. I have been to many funerals and seen death in that regard. I have never seen life actually leave a body. As a believer in Jesus I understand Scripture to teach that once the soul leaves the body they are present with Jesus. I have heard stories of people feeling peace or those leaving this earth seeing family and Jesus waiting for them. Because dad had so much pain medication in his system and because his organ were shutting down there was none of that. It was just an eerie quiet with his irregular breathing. I remember praying over dad and reading Scripture to him in these last few hours, but the final moments were excruciating. There is something called the death rattle that a person develops in their breathing. I had heard of it, but never experienced it until now. It was one of the hardest things to ever experience for even just a few minutes. It felt like hours to me though. It became so difficult to listen to I remember my mom, sister, and myself all saying it's time to go home, just go home now. Weeping, we almost welcomed the end of his life. I started to become angry at that feeling. I wasn't angry at anyone, not even God. I was angry at what I understood the reason for death to even take place: Sin. For some this may seem cruel, but in those few moments I think I understood how grave sin really is and why death is the consequence. Dad was a believer in Jesus, so death was just a sting, a moment. Life abundant awaited him. However, I hated the fact that we even experienced this part of "life". I've heard people say death is a natural part of life, but in those moments it didn't feel natural at all. It felt wrong. It felt like the "system" wasn't completely right. Perhaps it was my upbringing in theology that filtered my thoughts, but as Ecclesiastes 3:11 states, "...God has put eternity into the hearts of man..." we were made for everlasting life. Genesis appears to show prior to the entrance of sin man didn't know of death. So, maybe it's not as natural as we make it to be.
Once it was over, we cried some more, made some phone calls, and then we were numb. There was nothing left to do except go home. By now I awaited the arrival of my wife and kids, to hug them, to love them. So many emotions happened in the course of that day. 

The Days That Followed
The days that followed were difficult. Helping mom plan funeral arrangements, preparing for the sermon I was to deliver, and support family as they came in for the funeral. I was in a weird place. I sort of had an internal dilemma. Do I be Paul, son of Jeff, who's mourning or do I be Paul, pastor and guide to people who are hurting? I decided the first would come later, there were people who needed attending to. To any family who might read this and think I never wanted you to do that. Understand, it was my choice. I actually did what my dad did so many years ago when he lost his parents. Truly, God was sustaining me through it all, empowering me to do all I was able. Some asked how I could deliver a sermon with such confidence or speak about things with apparent ease? Sunday School answer: Jesus. Trust me when I say it was the visible power of what Jesus' Spirit can do in and through someone. I say this with all humbleness and I have no regrets about my decision.

I can truly say that one year to the date I have learned how to live in the "new norm" of life. The holidays last year were hard at times and different, but we made it through as a family. Dad was one of my "go to's" when I needed help in ministry, parenting, marriage advice, or just life. To have that taken away is hard. Part of 2017 I retreated into myself and actually blocked people out. It affected a lot of my life. So, I share this. When you experience something like this, trust that God will see you through. He will grow you and guide you to and in your new norm. Lean into people to speak about how you feel. We were made for community. Remember it takes time. I am just now starting to feel a little like myself again and that's okay. Allow for time to heal those wounds.
 

Spiritual Stupor

2 John 8 "Watch yourselves, that you do not lose what we have accomplished, but that you may receive a full reward."

I was struck by this verse today. So many times in Scripture we are instructed to be on guard, watchful of ourselves spiritually and of the things around us (false teaching). To watch ourselves implies continuous action in our spiritual lives. Yet, so many proclaimed believers actually remain in a spiritual stupor and seem to be okay with that being their constant. I'm fearful that much of our culture places us in this stupor. I'm reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead (I know, not the best movie to watch) in which the main character goes about his normal routine in public without the realization that people have become zombies. The point being made was everyone was so checked out in "real life" that when this dramatic change happens it looks no different. Can that be many spiritually? Especially those who claim belief in Christ? Ask yourself, "When is the last time I simply reflected on life let alone anything deeply spiritual that truly led to life change?" If you can't think of a time, why?

I love what positive things social media does for us as people and a culture. I love the creativity of television, movies, music, and other arts. I love athletics and seeing a great ball game played even if my favorite team is not one playing. I mean, I watched a couple hours of curling on ESPN one evening because it was a great competition. However, I am being challenged by how much of this I am truly taking in. The amount of time our lives are consumed by all this relatively good stuff may actually be complicating our lives spiritually more than we know. The amount of information we are now bombarded with on a daily basis could be too much for us to even process in addition to something like a Bible verse.

I don't know if I have an answer right now to what I sense in our world. I think the first few steps are to be awakened to where we are spiritually. Once we are awakened we have a choice: rise up or hit the "snooze" button. Choose snooze and remain in the spiritual stupor. Rise and begin the daily battle of following Jesus (Mark 8:34-38; Luke 9:23-27). Once we rise we must shine (Matthew 5:13-16) or live out what we believe on a continuous basis. I believe these steps of Awaken, Rise, and Shine are a daily process for the believer.

I end my thoughts with this word from Scripture: "Awake, sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." (Ephesians 5:14)